OT- Daily Humor!

Nikko · Joined: 20 Jan 2005 Posts: 536 Location: Northern CA

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you

to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:

The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING:

the crumsumpten of alcahol maou tink you can tipe real gode

nikko3 · Joined: 20 Jan 2005 Posts: 246 Location: acton, ca

nikko- you are letting me down by steeling a joke from brokers universe

Nikko · Joined: 20 Jan 2005 Posts: 536 Location: Northern CA

Sorry cutie, I won't let that happen again LOL! Not enough coffee yet, I guess :)

nikko3 · Joined: 20 Jan 2005 Posts: 246 Location: acton, ca

I forgive you baby... but don't let it happen again

Drink up ...lol

Nikko · Joined: 20 Jan 2005 Posts: 536 Location: Northern CA

I am only on my first pot of coffee. It's a process.

Nikko · Joined: 20 Jan 2005 Posts: 536 Location: Northern CA

An Hispanic family was considering putting their
grandfather into a nursing home.

All the Catholic facilities were completely full, so
they had to put him into a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to
visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and
respectful," replied grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was
the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He
hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone
still calls him 'Maestro'!

And there's a physician here --90 years old. He
hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and
everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still
call me "the fucking Mexican.""

Nikko · Joined: 20 Jan 2005 Posts: 536 Location: Northern CA

OK, I stole it from the 'Vine today. My creativity hasn't woken up yet :)

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year
>old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
>published in the New York Times.
>Dear Sir:
>I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
>endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
>nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and
>the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
>I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
>salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
>years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
>opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for
>the inconvenience caused to your bank.
>My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
>caused m e to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
>personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
>contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
>pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
>person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
>hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
>check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your
>bank whom you must nominate.
>Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
>to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
>Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
>runs to eight pages, but in order that I k now as much about him or her
>as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
>Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
>countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
>financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
>accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your
>employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
>I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
>modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
>account balance on your phone bank service.
>As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level
>the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as
>follows:
>1. To make an appointment to see me.
>2. To query a missing payment.
>3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
>4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
>5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
>6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
>7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
>is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to
>the Authorized Contact.
>8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
>9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
>be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
>While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
>will play for the duration of the call.
>Regrettably, but again fol lowing your example, I must also levy an
>establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
>wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.
>Your Humble Client

nikko3 · Joined: 20 Jan 2005 Posts: 246 Location: acton, ca

:lol: funny jokes this morning... thanks

Nikko · Joined: 20 Jan 2005 Posts: 536 Location: Northern CA

<kiss>

Nikko · Joined: 20 Jan 2005 Posts: 536 Location: Northern CA

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from
your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not
touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private
life
completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus,
take two
friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately
and
after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely
deleted from your system. Forward this virus warning immediately
to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are
already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least
five friends.
Then retry. I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive,

so I'm headed for the bar anyway . . . it never hurts to be safe.0

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