Men are like...

pussycat · Joined: 24 Jan 2005 Posts: 94 Location: Kansas City

1. Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

2. Men are like ........Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ........Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ........Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .......Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .......Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ........Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ........Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .......Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .......Popcorn . ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like ..... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

The Big Easy · Joined: 20 Jan 2005 Posts: 30

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire
long after hypothermia has set in. The CAA is not an option. I will win. (Note: This came from a friend in Canada, so I assume that CAA is a canadian thing.)

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't,
know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of
holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never,
under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine
hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys: cumin is a spice and not a
bodily function.)

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator) .... applies mainly to engineers.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
answer is always either sex, cars, or hockey. I have to make up something
else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need
to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't... and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards... then I will certainly at least remember the name and
recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like
wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand Men.

Quixote · Joined: 28 Jan 2005 Posts: 60 Location: Southern California

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together
was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

The mind numbing question is:

Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such
thing as a perfect man.

Women, stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men, keep a'scrollin'...

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates
another point: Women never listen, either.

Quixote · Joined: 28 Jan 2005 Posts: 60 Location: Southern California

Differences Between Men & Women

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Quixote · Joined: 28 Jan 2005 Posts: 60 Location: Southern California

Men & Women:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
=============================================
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand
her at all.
==============================================
Married men lived longer than single man,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
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A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,and she does.
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A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
=============================================
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman
- before marriage and after marriage.

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